(A letter to me from The Great One.)
I was ripped off! So she adds “I love you” and tags it with “and back.”
Where would should she be without the middle?
I’ll tell you where she’d be…bang-zoom!
(A letter to me from two prominent Republicans.)
Hey Mark M,
Trump’s got this thing in the bag, but we hear there’s a remake of M*A*S*H in the works and we’re planting some seeds.
Ted Cruz & Carly Fiorina
(A letter to me from a presidential candidate, I think.)
I’m pretty sure I’m still on the Pennsylvania ballot. If that’s true, that means I’m still in this thing!
Rick “Mr. President” Santorum
(A letter to me from HDT.)
My oft-quoted sentence, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them,” was written before talk radio. troll comments, podcasts and blogs like yours, Mr. Morelli. I regret the use of the word “quiet.”
Henry David Thoreau
(A letter to me from Y of CSNY.)
You are among selected members of the media who are the first to know of my support* for Donald Trump.
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
*Legal addenda: Endorsement contingent upon Trump’s promise to build border wall entirely of 2-story tall Fender speakers facing north from which Neil Young will perform a live concert to the entire U.S. population living within seven miles of the Mexican border – yeah, they’re that loud.
(A letter to me from a once prominent Republican.)
Hey Mark M:
I knew the day would come when the party would long for the likes of my maturity and statesmanship.
(Letter to me from former GOP candidate.)
I know the goal is to go viral, but what gets my goat is that all they remember is the 47% comment, and ignore the eight minutes of killer stand-up that came next.
Mitt "Dice" Romney
(A paid content product launch in the guise of a letter to me from a former Olympic skater.)
Hey Mark M,
I’m in line at the bakery, look down and think, hey that looks like a ladyback spin. I shoot and tweet it, within two hours Stella D’Oro calls (by the way, it’s not a real woman) and I’m here to disprove F. Scott Fitzgerald: There are second acts in American lives.
Say hi to your mom,
Introducing Biscotti Hamilton™
(A real letter from a fictional character.)
I’ve been stewing about this since the story first appeared in print, and after 104 years, I feel like I have to stand up and defend myself.
I have been maligned, libeled, me reputation blackened, disparaged, reviled, blamed for children’s nightmares over nine generations, and served as a Stalin figure in too-many-to-count theses analyzing symbolism in children’s literature.
I had no quarrel with Peter Rabbit. But the minute he trespassed and ate my vegetables, when beyond my fence there were meadows and forest, free by Providence for the nibbling. I’d never have barged into their rabbit warren for me afternoon tea!
My door’s always open to Miss Potter if she wants to hear MY side of the story, though it’ll be cold comfort and won’t bring back Mrs. McGregor, whose beauty and good heart were also matched by her naïveté in falling prey to popular opinion of my villainy, and heading off to live with her sister in a farm outside of Glasgow. She wouldn’t tell me exactly where, she says, for fear of my coming to visit and frightening Mole, Rat, Mr. Toad, Mr. Badger, and a whole many other nearby creatures that frittered about the property and took delight in her company.
Thanks for listening,
Mark Morelli is a New York Times Bestseller reader.