| Have you ever felt like your life was a sitcom? I do, and this would be my pilot. The main characters would be me, my wife, and 13 & 9 year old daughters. It would be set, Old World Style, around the table, where we would eat good food and discuss life. In this rush-a-day world, the table becomes our sanctuary. Here goes: The table is set.The plates steam with mashed potatoes, fresh vegetables and juicy meatloaf. "So, kids, how was school?" asks Dad. Little Sister points to Big Sister and rats, "She got detention." Big Sister feigns shock. "Shut up! I didn't get in trouble. And she's got a big mouth." "Now, now," Mom says. "Let's not get into any fights..." Dad says, "Let's talk about what you learned in --" "I learned that she got detention," pipes up Little Sister. "And nobody likes YOU because you've got a big mouth!" says Big Sister. Little Sister pushes her plate away. "I'm not eating with that...'b-word' sitting over there." Big Sister turns to Dad. "Isn't that just as bad as saying the real word?" "It's not bad if it's true, right Mom?" says Little Sister. "Girls, please!" Mom says. The sniping continues. Dad clenches forks. Grits teeth. Stiffens jaw. Fumes. (If budget allows, I'll buy footage of a volanco about to blow.) Dad growls. "Can...we...JUST...EAT!" Uncomfortable silence descends upon the table. Big Sister sniffles. Mom looks out the window. Silence is broken by Little Sister. Staring at vegetables, she says, "I can't eat this yucky stuff!" Opening credits & theme song, sung by a wholesome, harmonious chorus: "He's got a great job where he thinks on his feet, His personal family time is a treat So when he sits down with his family so sweet, He always ends up barking --- CAN WE JUST EAT!" That's the name of the show. "Can we just eat" will become a national catch phrase. I will guest host "Saturday Night Live." Here's another element to the show. I will tap into the burgeoning world of Christian popular entertainment by having the frustrated Dad a Christ-like element into the episode. During the credits, we'll see Mom pour a bowl of Lucky Charms to the picky eating Little Sister. Then Dad says, "We have to treat each other with respect. What would Jesus do?" Big Sister says, "Jesus wouldn't call his sister names!" "Jesus didn't have a b-word sister like you!" shouts Little Sister. A close-up of Dad's face perfectly embodies his middle-aged frustration, exhaustion, regrets, anger, helplessness...his dashed dreams, his conclusion that life is a treadmill, that everybody he knows is full of shit, that everything he once held true is arguable, that all the wisdom into which he invested (as well as his 401K) is dubious, and that he's sick of every one, especially himself...but all this in a funny way. From this he falls into an Emmy-winning daydream in which he brings Jesus home. "Honey, I'm home!" he calls out at the door. Mom stomps into the room. "I can't believe you forgot to take out the garbage -- oh, hello, I didn't realize you had a guest." "This is Jesus," Dad says. Mom pauses. "Of Nazareth?" "Yes, ma'am," Jesus says. "Excuse us," Mom says to her guest. Turning to her husband, "Can I speak to you alone?" In the other room, she glares at him. "Why the puss face?" Dad asks. "Why? This man is trouble. Left his perfectly carpenter job to wander around and stir up trouble. Turning brother against brother. Father against son. Did you see him flipping over the merchant tables like a madman? What is he, in Led Zeppelin?" Dad responds, "Yeah, but what about all his miracles?" "Carpentry is a miracle," Mom says. "Don't smirk. Can you build a tool shed? And with all this useful talent, his big mission is buy rounds and get everybody drunk at the wedding!" "He turned water into wine, honey. He doesn't have money. It was a miracle." "It would be a miracle if he had some money for a change," Mom says. "What's next, you going town to town with that crew of his, telling stories and passing the hat?" "He heals the sick," Dad says. "Right, and how do they get sick?" Mom says. "Standing out in the rain for hours waiting for him to tell his parables. Pair o' bull, you ask me! Then he expects to be fed!" Jesus appears in the doorway. "Hope I'm not interrupting." No, no says Mom and Dad nervously. "In fact, we were hoping you could join us for dinner," Mom says. "If you can't make it, that's okay. After all, it's not our last supper." Dad reddens. Jesus smiles, then says, "Can we just eat?" They all laugh. Theme music plays and credits roll over scene of Jesus passing the food basket around while Dad pulls out piece after piece after piece of bread and fish to the astonishment of the wide-eyed kids, who applaud and eat all their vegetables. |
| PAH! |
| by Mark Morelli |
| Can We Just Eat: My Sitcom Pilot |