Fox news commentator Bill O'Reilly announced that those godless liberals who declared war on Christmas have been vanquished. This victory is thanks to the efforts of those who demanded that store clerks greeting shoppers with "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" when they purchased gifts that reflected the spirit of this holy celebration, like Furbys and 50-Cent CDs.
The problem now is that the new year approaches with no fresh villains to hate. Millions of sharks are waiting to be fed blood by O'Reilly and the rest at Fox News. Who will spill it?
I have a confession to make. I am a creative consultant, and I was instrumental in helping Fox News perpetuate the battle against the infidels who declared war on Christmas. In fact, I went a little too far in my consulting. I recommended Bill O'Reilly land a helicopter in Bethlehem with a Mission Accomplished banner hanging from the spot where Christ was born.
"Over the top," O'Reilly was reported to say. Nonetheless, I received a call from Bernie, an O'Reilly Factor producer. "Help me sniff out the next enemy," he requested.
"That's easy," I said. "Gay marriage."
"We're saving that for closer to the election," he said.
"Immigrants," I said. "Everything you buy in stores is made in other countries. But that doesn't satisfy those foreigners. They even have to invade our very turf to take jobs away from Americans."
"No," said the producer. "Suppose we win. Then who's gonna pick the fruit?"
"Pick the fruit...are we back on the gay marriage issue?"
"Never mind," he said. "What else you got?"
"What about the War on Easter?" I said.
"I like it," said Bernie. "Keep talking, babe."
"Hollywood gives Gibson's movie an 'R' rating . . . because they want to keep the truth about Jesus away from kids!"
"Lovin' it so far," Bernie said. "Paint me a picture."
Bernie loves it when I paint him a picture. So I tell him, "O'Reilly comes out -- slam bang -- asks America when was the last time they saw a Crucifix hanging in a department store. Says, they can mouth 'happy Easter' all they want to hawk their candies and baskets and Easter bunny gifts, but why are they so ashamed of hanging a statue of our Savior hanging from a cross...dying for our sins of not supporting the economy in the land chosen by God to perpetuate the values of freedom and democracy that began in that manger in Bethlehem...”
“Beautiful, a call back to Christmas,” said Bernie.
“...continuing to the day He rose from the dead to the day...”
I paused, like a spider watching the fly approach the web.
“...Thomas Jefferson rose from his seat to sign the Declaration of Independence...”
Bernie hooted with lusty delight. Perhaps too hastily, I launched into the next thing.
"We punctuate this with a campaign against dentists who discourage the celebration of Christ's resurrection by telling kids not to eat candy."
"I don‘t know," said Bernie.
"Why?" I said. "It's a slam dunk. People hate dentists anyway."
"Yeah, but I think they vote Republican."
"Well, how about this, then," I said. "We stoke the fires of battle with a quick skirmish in the war on Valentine's Day..."
"Saint Valentine's Day," said Bernie, getting my drift.
I continued, "Millions of people buy candies, cards, and sex toys without ever acknowledging the Roman priest beaten with clubs and martyred in the year 270."
"Beaten with clubs?" said Bernie. "You'd think that would appeal to the kinky crowd. Hmm."
"While we're on the subject," I added, "Did you know that 70% of your audience harbor secret erotic fetishes?"
"Arguable," Bernie said testily, which reminded me of his boss’s penchant for phone fun.
"Point is, godless liberals will have us spend millions while forcing store clerks to eliminate the word "Saint" from their Valentine's Day greetings."
"Exactly!" said Bernie, rousing his warrior spirit. "It's not like before, when stores proudly celebrated the life of Saint Valentine . . . er, hold on a second. I don't think anyone ever really celebrates the life of a saint."
Uh-oh. My campaign was dying on the vine. Quickly, I went back to the ace up my sleeve. "But what about all the gay couples getting each other Valentine's presents . . . what does that lead to but crazy notions of gay marriage."
"Now that’s connecting the dots, pal," said Bernie.
"God hates that gays are trampling on the memory of one of his saints to actually profess their sick affection for each other.”
"Alleluia!" he said.
And the marketing campaign wrote itself.
Anne Lamott wrote, "You can tell you have created God in your own image when it turns out that he or she hates all the same people you do."
When I hung up with Bernie, we were discussing the exclusive WWGH? bracelets. Who Would God Hate?
"Brilliant," said Bernie. "This lets everyone use their own imaginations!"