I don't believe in living each day like it was my last. If I did, I'd just run around and grab shapely women, eat rich ice cream, charge massages on credit cards, leave the cat litter to someone else and skip work.
I don't believe our driver's license photographs should be taken head on. They should look like how others see us at intersections. We should all pose in profile in one of two poses: yawning or nose-picking.
I don't believe people should talk through bathroom doors. Digestion is the body's time to meditate. We should honor that with silence or quiet reading.
I don't believe that just by saying, "Hey, I'm a bitch" excuses any woman from being one. Also, I don't believe that just by saying, "I'm a perfectionist" excuses anyone from dawdling past a deadline.
I don't believe that people should change their tone of voice when they answer the phone. Let the world hear you as your family does.
I don't believe I should have to, when I'm on vacation, sit through long directions given by local people when they've already lost me by the second sentence. Courtesy aside, I should just be able to cut him off and go find someone else who can give better directions.
I don't believe I should have to say "hello" back to gregarious Home Depot associates.
I don't believe that any old geezer coming out of the bathroom saying, "Phew! That was like trying shove a Pekingese through a Pepsodent tube" is disgusting. I believe he is poetic.
I don't believe anyone should tolerate self-absorbed, childless yuppies in public parks kissing on the mouth their $4000 Labradoodles.
I don't believe anyone smokes Tareytons anymore.
I don't believe Cher should be doing Farewell tours. She has far too much to say as an artist to say goodbye yet.
I don't believe Amish are as sweet and rustic as everybody thinks and that they have the last laugh in doubling the markup on their brick cheese and oak furniture. I also don't believe there are politicians brave enough to fight the big markup on pudding. A box of pudding is a quarter, but six separate pre-made pudding cups is like $3.79. I don't believe I've seen the member of Congress with the stones to tackle the pudding barons?
I don't believe in the saying, "If you want something done, give it to a busy person." If you want something done, stop bothering people and just do it.
I don't believe Christ's miracles would be as amazing if done now. Today, Penn & Teller would show how he raised the dead and fed the masses loaves and fishes. Also, I don't believe Christ would perform the miracle of loaves and fishes today. Instead, he'd pass around a big pizza box. Thousands would take out a slice and it would never get empty. Oh, wait, didn't Domino's offer that as a Super Bowl special?
I don't believe St. John's Wort helps your depression, but I am certain it will improve your volleyball serve.
I don't believe that most people know that the word "orgasm" is Latin for "sneezing in the garden level."
I don't believe you should ever have to call back anybody who says on your answering machine "call me," without explaining why they called in the first place.
I don't believe you can conquer envy until you own everything.
I don't believe there will ever be an American Idol contestant who grew up singing in the Catholic Church.
I don't believe piñatas do anything but teach children how to be muggers.
I don't believe anybody who says, "Efficiency is my middle name" because I once double-checked, and it was actually "Henry."
I don't believe there'd even be a Book of Genesis yet if God were a committee. They'd still be arguing over whether Eve be tempted by an apple or a bell pepper, or whether they should field test if leaves other than fig would be better to cover Adam's junk.
I don't believe you should waste a waitress's time by asking what's good on the menu, unless you know she's quitting soon.
I don't believe you can be sure if someone is the right spouse for you until you see that person feed a six-year-old. If they (meaning he or she) reasonably demands that the kid finishes what's on the plate, you'll live in a household where adults are in charge and children will be raised with humility and a realistic view of how life works. If they permit the kid to boss them around the kitchen, making this and that, and constantly heating things up and making special dishes, then you will live in a home run by insatiable children catered to by exhausted adults. Make your choice.
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