People who narrate things going on right in front of them while you’re also watching…not enough of them will make it their New Year’s Resolution to stop doing that. At this point in life, I have accrued much wisdom. Unfortunately that wisdom boils down to this: If I loan something to somebody, I can just kiss it goodbye. After 16 years of marriage, the most memorable conversation in my home in the past year began with this question: Do you remember where I put the olive oil cap? In fact, that’s just about every conversation. I can tell if a marriage is going to last by the cookie table at their wedding. If it is filled with a lot of great unique cookies then you know that family and heritage is important in this marriage and they’ll probably weather the bumpy spots just fine. Do you remember where I put the olive oil cap? Every time I get tough with my kids a part of me thinks, What would all this strictness mean if something happened to them? Would I look back in regret for being so firm? On the other hand, until tragedy strikes, their rooms should be tidy and their fingernails clean. If they made It’s A Wonderful Life today, would somebody have a shitfit because Zuzu’s public school teacher is talking about how angels get wings? Catholics hate to sing but they have a canny sense of show biz. The last hymn of the mass is the most confusing. While some of us remain and sing the final hymn, others feel no obligation and take that song as their exit music, as if closing credits were rolling. It makes those of us who remain feel like fools. If you give a man a fish, he’ll be hungry tomorrow. Teach him to fish, he’ll feed himself forever. Give him fish sticks, and he’ll be thirsty all day. St. John’s Wort is an herbal remedy for mild depression. Ginko Biloba helps with memory and concentration. Drinking tea from the bark of white birch trees helps your volleyball serve. Eating a debutante improves your taste in buying men’s suits. For years, kids complained What am I going to do with English? Or, How am I ever going to use this geometry? Well, the answer might be, maybe you'll never use it. Or, a better answer might just be sadistic laughter in the student's face. One useful class all schools should add is Disappointment 101. It’s great. You can even incorporate all of the other subjects. For instance, a kid writes 2 +2 = 4 and the teacher marks it wrong. The kid complains. The teacher shrugs, sorry life isn’t logical or fair. At the spelling bee the kid says, “Because, b-e-c-a-u-s-e.” He’s eliminated. Why? Because two minutes ago the judges changed the spelling to b-e-c-u-z. Kids can earn extracurricular credit. For instance, Jason brings Katie to the prom. Halfway through Katie takes off with the captain of the wrestling team. He’s broken hearted but he gets 10 credit points! Scholarships go to girls who with the tightest t-shirts. Or how about this -- one student has a perfect grade point average. But who gets to be the valedictorian? The principal’s nephew! There’s something for everyone on cable. I watched a psycho weatherman who describes only his inner storms. I saw in the paper a 113-year-old man died. Imagine being that age. At the end, your entire life flashes before your eyes. That’s a month right there. When the oldest person in the world dies, I always wonder how the runner up feels upon assuming the title. Fit me for the crown. Hurry! They say it’s stupid to clean up before the maid arrives. If that’s true, you shouldn’t brush or floss before going to the dentist. They should give special acting awards for Best Reaction to Being Offered the Gig. And the Emmy goes to . . . The dude playing Jim-Bob for his reaction to the phone call that they’re going to do another Walton's reunion TV special!!! Cut to the guy sitting in a booth at a parking garage exclaiming, What? Another special! Hot dog! For how much! Wow! Oh my God! Oh my God! Have you ever seen a presidential candidate wearing sandals? If you combine the aromas of a hundred different fragrant candles, it creates a new scent called Candle Store. People get a whiff of one of these and will say, “I feel like I’m at the mall.” They should make a candle that smells like a mixture of lilacs and Tareytons and call it Old Broad at a Wedding. My wife and daughters are never thirsty until I get up from the couch. New housing developments have names like Mallard Crossing and Silver Meadows to give a comforting, rustic feel. They should expand. I’d build developments called Cute Little Frolicking Puppies Acres. Morning Backrub Estates. A Wife Who Remains Forever 29-Years-Old Village. Everyone Always Replaces the Toothpaste Cap Centre. You want the truth? However many cigarettes a smoker admits to smoking every day -- double it. Why don’t baseball umpires have whistles? For the hundredth time, I don't know where you put the olive oil cap.
