I found a kitchen utensil in my junk drawer. It was the smallest measuring spoon I'd ever seen, like it was made especially for a movie with elves. On the handle, in small print, was written: Dash. This was the official measurement for a dash. Isn't the whole point of a "dash" is that you improvise it? A dash to the store is something unplanned. You're making a casserole and you run out of ingredients. Oh, crap! Jennifer, can you dash to the market for cream of mushroom soup?! A kitchen utensil that actually measures the dash takes all the fun out of cooking, the individuality. If the food sucks, then you can pass the buck, like a Nazi death camp guard who didn't have the sense to run when they heard the Russians coming. I was just following instructions. An official measurement for the dash is anal. If anything, we need an official international measurement for the dollop. Someone says to you, "Give me a dollop of sour cream for my baked potato." You can give them anything from a flick to a glop. There is no spoon that measures a dollop. So looked up it up. And if you want a dollop, just use your dash spoon seventy-six times. You'll be accurate, but the potato will be cold. What's the difference between a "dash" and a "pinch"? One could say that the dash is just a flick of the spice container over the simmering pot and that the pinch requires that the spice has been picked up by the cook's (presumably washed) thumb and forefinger. If so, the difference between a dash of salt and a pinch has nothing to do with amount but in the style of delivery. A kitchen utensil that conveys a "pinch" measurement would not be a little tiny spoon, like the dash spoon, but a big unwieldy prosthetic device that approximates a human hand. The forefinger and thumb would have to mechanically come together. This hand-like kitchen device can get double use. The fingers and thumb come together to the chef's lips to recreate the "mwaah" kissing sound that chefs do to show, "Hey, this is some really good stuff!" But I say if you have to use a measuring spoon to tell you what a dash is, then you're way too afraid of life to be trusted in the kitchen. If you're that cautious with spices, then the food you prepare is going to be like the life you lead -- bland! To paraphrase Ronald Reagan's loud demand that Gorbachev tear down the Berlin Wall, I say: "Mr. or Mrs. (YOUR NAME HERE), toss out that dash spoon." Cook like you dance. Live the moment. Trust your instincts. Don't ask permission before kissing. Don't do anything the same way twice. And if you mistake the cayenne pepper for cinnamon, don't apologize. Instead of saying, "I ruined the sugar cookies," say, "I just invented Mexican Sweet Wheels!"
