People are always writing me with questions. I have taken more recent questions from my reading public and, as a service to you all, provided the answers of record:
What was George W. Bush doing when he should have been showing up for National Guard duty?
George W. Bush failed to report to National Guard obligations because he was so heavily involved in a Black Panthers phonics tutoring program. He simply forgot to report to duty. While some narrow-minded, backward-thinking Democrats may think this is a poor reflection on the President's character and ability to lead, they should know that this experience led him to chart a political career that would one day feature as its centerpiece the "No Child Left Behind Program."
President Bush repeatedly told Tim Russert in a February interview, "I'm a war president." How does that make his responsibilities different?
Everyone's got this wrong. What President Bush actually told Tim Russert is that he is a warm president. This was after Russert commented on the coziness of the Oval Office, where the interview took place.
Is it true that the Republican National Committee is preparing to spend more than a trillion dollar on George W. Bush's second round of inaugural balls?
Actually, they will spend very little. Why? On Valentine's Day (2004), with only the President, Vice President and the Supreme Court present, George W. Bush was sworn in for his second term in a strategic preemptive inauguration ceremony, designed to foil terrorists. This was done in secrecy to preserve national security. The Republican National Committee did, however, spend two billion dollars on a case of rare Jack Daniel's.
Should the President be considered for a Nobel Prize for Literature due to his growing aptitude for subject-verb agreement?
Yes, but that's not likely given how the academic community around the world has such contempt for humble, God-fearing people.
Should Gays Be Allowed to Get Married?
No, it's an unnatural act. Nobody should be permitted to get married.
There is going to be a reunion of the 60s pop group The Turtles. How do I know if those people on stage are really the original Turtles?
Only the drummer, who doesn't sing, will be an original member. This also goes for the reunion of every other band from the 60s and 70s with four or fewer Top 100 hits who get back together to play at free concerts in parks with the exception of Thin Lizzy, who never had original members even when they started.
After giving up coffee, how can I perk up in the morning?
Hand your kindergartner a permanent marker.
Now that the White House got its war with Iraq, what's next on their To-Do list?
It's very long and ambitious, but it includes a kidnapping and shaving of Fidel Castro, an outlawing of acoustic guitar in all Christian services, the banning of all statements by reporters in press conferences that end with a question mark, and a plan to replace the words "forbidden fruit" with "forbidden carbs" in every new Bible published, and expanding the death penalty to anyone who mocks good Americans with mullets.
What is the least known hate crime?
According to polls, 97% of adults did not know that speculating that there are germs in your host's sofa is so offensive that it is considered a hate crime.
What is the most widely accepted justification for bans on dancing?
Fundamentalist leaders begin by acknowledging how God created majestic mountains, and that since mountains don't dance, people should not either.
Does everybody agree with this?
There is a small sect of Christians in the northeastern United States who reject this claim, believing that God does not administer grandiose wrath. Instead, God is a hot-tempered towel-snapper, and if that doesn't lead to dancing, what does?
Do clerks in retail stores who communicate by walkie-talkie create the impression that consumers are shopping at a crime scene?
Yes. Just ask 47-year-old Leo Farnthasar who was arrested at a Sioux City Wal-Mart for "molesting" the Charmin.
What is the world's record for the longest time taken for a man to get off the phone with his wife?
Tim Flippert said goodbye on the phone, went golfing, helped a buddy move a couch, watched half a hockey game, and returned to the phone in time to hear his wife say, "... and make that just a half gallon of milk since we're going to my mother's on Sunday."
What will most shock future historians about us?
Our failure to recognize nicotine as a vegetable.
What is the most commonly used nickname for a blues singer?
"Sonny Boy."
What is the least?
"Tuba Abe."
Can my tendency for breaking into Jack Nicholson impressions be considered a disability?
Absolutely. Quit your job and call your local Social Security office.
How important is likeability a factor in casting a vote for President?
Very important, since whoever is elected is very likely to want to also hang out with you and have a beer.
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