Dogs will react not to what you say, but how you say it.
In a sweet tone, say, “I hate you....” The dog’s ears will drop. She’ll lap at your face.
But bear your own fangs and howl, “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!” The dog will cower, or snap at you like you’re a Democrat on Fox News.
(That’s my transition.)
Television news programs have adopted this delivery technique for decades, placing emphasis on the gravity (or levity) of tone, regardless of the content.
Usually, they use a somber tone to convey seriousness to stories that are really trivial or inconsequential:
“That puppy you brought home for the kids -- don’t be surprised it if grows bigger and becomes less cute. More at 11.”
“Fender bender on Main Street at Exchange. Nobody’s hurt -- but do you know your turn signal etiquette?”
“Should pharmacists be forced to check out items other than prescriptions? One reporter tells us what it’s like to stand in line while a fully-accredited pharmacist calls for a price on Fig Newtons...right after this.”
Feeling a gnawing in your stomach at mid-day. So do millions of other Americans. Find out why tomorrow in our lunchtime report.
More and more men show up for work with patches of beard left on their faces. Action News looks at a hygiene crisis growing to near epic proportions: Men who don’t take the proper time to shave.
Find yourself craving a meal just hours after you’ve had your last one? You might just be addicted to food.
Some of these are the something-from-nothing, manufactured story, which is something like the Periphery Puffery story, a nothing story that contains the whiff of a current news story where nothing is actually happening. Still, that never stops news from being reported:
“New Saddam tape indicates he’ll be late to his mistress’s for dinner. Join us live while we listen to an intercepted answering machine.”
“Separating darks and whites: do Laundromats teach children racism?”
“American Idol’s Harrisburg Connect: We talk to area viewers who have watched every second of the second season.”
“Cow tipping in Holmes Country...your milk should be safe to drink, but should we be on the lookout for terrorists?”
Of course, the easiest way to get viewers is to take a salacious topic -- and anyhow, anyway make it news:
“Peeping Toms: Are you safe? Our hidden camera shows you just how easy it is to peek into your windows.”
Two years ago today, township trustees voted to close down the strip clubs on Lynch Boulevard. Find out in detail, from home videos and police surveillance cameras, how one present day drug store clerk worker spent 1999-2001...dancing for dollars!
Then, of course, there’s the old stand-by...the moronic segue:
“It was a tough month, Janet. The unemployment rate went up while import revenue went down...”
“I hear you, Steve -- and for those of you whose weight keeps going up and down, we’ve got some great diet tips.”
And I think I’ve already seen this one:
“More than 600 people in Nepal today were killed by a flash flood...”
“In a related topic, we’ll have an exclusive interview with a local carpet cleaner whose new mildrew disenfectant patent keeps damp basements minty.“
I am certain that in the near future we will see this scene.
“...the committee concluded that Paul Wolfowitz is actually America’s de facto president and along with Dick Cheney is turning the country into an autocratic, radical, one-party neo-conservative state, with George W. Bush serving as a front...”
“And speaking of fronts, Barry, grab your sweater ‘coz we’ve got a cold one coming our way.”
The only thing more idiotic is the instant poll done online or by calling. This gives enthusiastic viewers a chance to answer questions that they have no clue about.
In your opinion, is Cher happy?
Do you think Saddam Hussein has become vegetarian?
In your opinion, what’s the color of God’s beard?
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would be his favorite newspaper comic strip?
Come to think of it, when it is all said and done, the dog not only gets more real information, but is on the receiving end of much higher respect.
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