By Mark Morelli
If President Bush really wanted to present a convincing argument for the necessity of a pre-emptive strike, he’d have explained how, no matter how long you wait, change will not occur. You have to make the change happen even if it means trespassing and taking over.
He could have told us to stroll down any street in a quiet, residential neighborhood in America. Enjoy the fresh spring air. Sigh with satisfaction as the only remnant of a hard, cold winter is a patch of gray snow here and there. Feel the coolness on your neck where your woolen scarf had been coiled.
But something jars you. Halts you in your tracks. The scope on your peripheral vision homes in on -- there it is -- the porch window of the little ranch house to your left: icicle lights and snowman lights, left over from Christmas.
Suddenly you remember this house from last year. Those same lights stayed up till summer. Had they ever come down?
To prevent the neighborhood from sliding, house by carelessly decorated house, into a sloghole of tackiness and, moreover, to preserve the sanctity of the birthday of baby Jesus Himself, you would be left with no choice but to kick in the door, push the people out of the way, and yank down the Christmas lights.
Now does it all make sense? (Even Noam Chomsky would buckle 'neath the logic.)
Cable news stations don’t make the best use of their 24/7 capabilities. They don’t set aside anything more than a few seconds to cover all the other important stories, and instead, repeat over and over the same war coverage that could be condensed into about anhour of news per day. There have been plenty of other stories going on in the past month, such as:
President George W. Bush declared that the vote-tallying system of the National Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences was irrelevant and stepped in to personally name Jack Nicholson the Oscar-winner for Best Actor.
Pope John Paul II denounced the war against Iraq as “threatening the fate of humanity.” Later that day, President Bush declared the Catholic Church “only slightly relevant,” but concluded his statement by biting into a thick stack of communion wafers slathered with peanut butter and muttering, “Tastes like chicken.“
This came just days after the Pope banned All-You-Can-Eat Fish Frys across America, asserting that the sacrifice of not eating meat is nullified by the gluttony. Up to seven million female septuagenarians of eastern European lineage are now wondering what to do with their Lenten Fridays.
The press largely overlooked the White House’s role in bringing to an end the brief strike of Broadway musicians. President Bush, whom ardent music lovers know is an accomplished ocarinist, told members of Local 802 of the American Federation of Musicians: “You’ve got 48 hours to patch things up and go play pretty for the people.”
President Bush also declared irrelevant the editorial committee of the Norton Anthology of American Literature. “Everyone accuses me of being simple. Seeing things black and white. Not true. I also see grey. Zane Grey. But I don’t see him in this book.” Grey, the author of Riders of the Purple Sage and more than 80 other western novels, will be included in the newest edition of the anthology after last autumn’s vote by the editorial board to give President Bush authority to make changes as he sees fit.
An internet rumor spread that one of the countries joining the pro-U.S. coalition forces was the Land of Oo-Blah-Dee and it’s leader is Queen Latifah. Officials quickly pointed out that Queen Latifah is actually an Oscar-nominated entertainer, and that the real leader of that nation is King Porter Stomp.
Thinking that he was watching CNN coverage of U.S. Navy maneuvers instead of a White House screening of “Boat Trip,” President Bush asked defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld to clamp down on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ruling. Later, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer stated that the President merely meant he planned to uphold precedent and continue the embargo of Cuba Gooding, Jr.
A poll indicates that 36% of Americans are against the war but support the troops...56% support the war and the support the troops...18% suppor the war but are against the troops...59% have tried Vanilla Coke more than once and didn’t like it but continue to support the troops...44% support the war and support most of the lighter-complected troops...and 87% support the troops going in with pre-World War I rifles, riding burros, and pretending that Saddam Hussein is Pancho Villa.
Shoppers United Against the War was formed. Although it would've been easier to remain glued to CNN to follow the war news, millions heeded 30- and 60-second broadcast messages encouraging them to stimulate the economy by trading their wages for commodities found in nationwide retail outlets.
Eleven senior citizens of Florida’s Palm County accepted responsibility for the war in Iraq. “We speak for everyone who botched the butterfly ballot,” said Gladys Litzmon. “We’re really, really sorry.”
After a nationwide boycott on French products, pro-war activists declared a boycott on all goods made in China, another nation that withheld support for the U.S.-led drive to topple current the Iraqi regime. The boycott was aborted when organizers realized that would leave absolutely nothing for Americans to buy.
And the final overlooked story of the past month: A Patriot Missile aimed at Baghdad veered off course and landed on the Texas home of columnist Molly Ivins.
To_PAH!_Archive Index
President George W. Bush declared that the vote-tallying system of the National Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences was irrelevant and stepped in to personally name Jack Nicholson the Oscar-winner for Best Actor.
Pope John Paul II denounced the war against Iraq as “threatening the fate of humanity.” Later that day, President Bush declared the Catholic Church “only slightly relevant,” but concluded his statement by biting into a thick stack of communion wafers slathered with peanut butter and muttering, “Tastes like chicken.“
This came just days after the Pope banned All-You-Can-Eat Fish Frys across America, asserting that the sacrifice of not eating meat is nullified by the gluttony. Up to seven million female septuagenarians of eastern European lineage are now wondering what to do with their Lenten Fridays.
The press largely overlooked the White House’s role in bringing to an end the brief strike of Broadway musicians. President Bush, whom ardent music lovers know is an accomplished ocarinist, told members of Local 802 of the American Federation of Musicians: “You’ve got 48 hours to patch things up and go play pretty for the people.”
President Bush also declared irrelevant the editorial committee of the Norton Anthology of American Literature. “Everyone accuses me of being simple. Seeing things black and white. Not true. I also see grey. Zane Grey. But I don’t see him in this book.” Grey, the author of Riders of the Purple Sage and more than 80 other western novels, will be included in the newest edition of the anthology after last autumn’s vote by the editorial board to give President Bush authority to make changes as he sees fit.
An internet rumor spread that one of the countries joining the pro-U.S. coalition forces was the Land of Oo-Blah-Dee and it’s leader is Queen Latifah. Officials quickly pointed out that Queen Latifah is actually an Oscar-nominated entertainer, and that the real leader of that nation is King Porter Stomp.
Thinking that he was watching CNN coverage of U.S. Navy maneuvers instead of a White House screening of “Boat Trip,” President Bush asked defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld to clamp down on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ruling. Later, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer stated that the President merely meant he planned to uphold precedent and continue the embargo of Cuba Gooding, Jr.
A poll indicates that 36% of Americans are against the war but support the troops...56% support the war and the support the troops...18% suppor the war but are against the troops...59% have tried Vanilla Coke more than once and didn’t like it but continue to support the troops...44% support the war and support most of the lighter-complected troops...and 87% support the troops going in with pre-World War I rifles, riding burros, and pretending that Saddam Hussein is Pancho Villa.
Shoppers United Against the War was formed. Although it would've been easier to remain glued to CNN to follow the war news, millions heeded 30- and 60-second broadcast messages encouraging them to stimulate the economy by trading their wages for commodities found in nationwide retail outlets.
Eleven senior citizens of Florida’s Palm County accepted responsibility for the war in Iraq. “We speak for everyone who botched the butterfly ballot,” said Gladys Litzmon. “We’re really, really sorry.”
After a nationwide boycott on French products, pro-war activists declared a boycott on all goods made in China, another nation that withheld support for the U.S.-led drive to topple current the Iraqi regime. The boycott was aborted when organizers realized that would leave absolutely nothing for Americans to buy.
And the final overlooked story of the past month: A Patriot Missile aimed at Baghdad veered off course and landed on the Texas home of columnist Molly Ivins.