Ask not what your father can do for you...ask what you can do for your father: My 2003 State of the Family Address.
By Mark Morelli
Distinguished guests, friends and neighbors. I have the honor of reporting to you on the State of the Morelli Family.
It’s a great privilege to be here tonight to outline a new budget and a new approach for governing our family
My wife, Lisa, and my daughters Olivia and Julia are seated here in the family room. Olivia is my oldest. She is the one with the headphones on.
And I see our cats Sylvia and Pepito are lying by the heating vent in the kitchen.
The last time we met here, we were surrounded by clutter. Barbie clothes strewn about. Old bicycles hung upside down in the garage. We nagged you to brush your teeth. We badgered you to hang up your coats.
Well, this isn’t a perfect family, but just one year later, we can look back at having made great strides, and I tell you -- my wife and daughters -- they are just the beginning.
No ties bind families together like volunteer service, which we used to call chores. We’ve made great progress. Remember the first days I asked you two girls to clear the table? You rolled your eyes. You complained that it wasn’t fair. And some say that one of you, inspired by a Shel Silverstein poem, purposely dropped and broke a glass in thinking that you’d never be asked again to clear the table. Well, we as a Family worked through that, and now I’m pleased to report, that whining is down, that no glasses, cups, bowls or plates have been broken in nine weeks, and thanks to our new 3-strikes-and-you’re-grounded whining-control policy, there has been no annoying griping in 27 consecutive days.
(APPLAUSE FROM WIFE.)
This, my fellow Morellis, is just the beginning. I promise tonight to institute a policy that will have my two daughters sorting clean laundry and putting their clothes away by the end of fiscal year 2003, and what’s more, I believe that we can have our young girls actually DOING the laundry by Thanksgiving, 2004.
(EVEN MORE APPLAUSE FROM WIFE. LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT FROM DAUGHTERS.)
Our children are working harder and doing better. Cavities are down. Quality friendships are up. We have the seen one child bring steely determination to pre-school and come home with a diploma. We have another master her round-off back handspring while bringing in her costs for ankle wrap under budget. Why when I was five years old I was still sucking my thumb.
(LAUGHTER.)
We’ve expanded funding for the arts. Did you see that new watercolor set and all that modeling clay? But with that funding provision comes responsibility . . . when you’re done painting . . . you must clean up the brushes! You must put the lids back on the Play-Dough! And let us make this the final year when we lose lids to colored markers!
(EVERYONE LEAPS TO THEIR FEET.)
Yes, the war on clutter continues. It’s not easy. And as anyone on the front lines will know, it will not prove to be an overnight victory.
And while you may not hear of it, every single day I make swift decisions about keeping or discarding things that pile up in this great house of ours.
While you sleep, I prowl this house, collect junky toys and newspapers, and under the dark cloak of night swiftly and decisively get rid of it. Each Happy Meal toy pitched, each broken crayon discarded is a small but definitive step toward victory in our war against clutter...and we...are...winning!
From my first days as the Father of this Family, we’ve worked hard to give children better access to better health care. Last year we also declared war on cavities and passed a ban on Krispy Kreme donuts, Little Debbie peanut butter bars, and Sunny D-Lite.
This determination, combined with a concentrated effort to not wait until everybody is real tired and crabby before brushing our teeth, has led to marked improvements in dental health and noticeable reduction in weird, afternoon headaches.
You know, all parents worry about the impact of violence in the media on their children. I want to begin by thanking you all for respecting my controversial decision to keep us at Basic Cable. The plus side is, we have a concise, easy-to-flip-through 22 channels. The down side is that one of them broadcasts only sitcoms and movies starring Mary-Kate and Ashley. To show my daughters that I am genuine in my promise to understand their wants and needs even better, I vow that by July 4, 2003, I will be able to distinguish the difference between the Olsen Twins.
The New Year demands partnerships for union and conviviality. I propose that we begin this very spring, monthly picnics, informal barbecues, and spontaneous pizza parties with relatives, neighbors, and friends old and new.
(APPLAUSE.)
Last spring, with some of you, I traveled to Home Depot. I examined the fencing, the screen doors, some of the nicer bathroom tile. This year, we will use our Home Depot Christmas Gift Certificate to actually bring some of those products RIGHT HERE into this home.
(APPLAUSE.)
Tonight, I propose a new clean air fund...Now that may mean cleaning the cat litter more frequently, and vacuuming more often. And it will reduce the number of times you will be able to sneeze real loud and get lots of laughs...
(DAUGHTERS POKE EACH OTHER IN RIBS AND LAUGH.)
...And it will be mean fewer allergic reactions, less time lost at school...
(DAUGHTERS EXPRESSION SINK.).
Let me recap some of our highlights. We visited the Jersey shore. We rode roller coasters at Kennywood Park. We got a season pass at Waterworks Park right here in town. We even saw “Fiddler on the Roof” at the Weathervane Community Theater.
While the economy went flat elsewhere, we did not cut allowances.
And our faith-based initiative plan works, and will be renewed. That means, you will continue to get ice cream if you sit still in church.
And . . . we’re thinking about getting a puppy!
(GIRLS RISE AND SCREAM WITH DELIGHT.)
I leave you tonight with the words of Ziggy Marley, in the theme to the PBS show “Arthur”:
And I say - Hey! (Hey!) What a wonderful kind of day If we could learn to work and play And get along with each other
(LITTLE DAUGHTER JUMPS UP TO DANCE, STEPS ON OLDER DAUGHTER’S FOOT.)
