by Mark Morelli
I held out the candy basket to Julia.
“Which one do you want?”
“Mustard,” said our 3-year-old.
I gave her the lemon lollipop. I took a break from yard work and unfolded our little scooter.
“Want to go for a ride?” I asked her.
“Yeah!”
“You have to put down your lollipop,” I said.
“Okay,” she said.
She put it on the picnic table and hurried back. We scooted a block and a half. The little wheels hummed on the street. The wind whistled past our ears. Neighbors waved.
“Stop,” she said.
“What?”
“I want to go back to my lollipop.”
It was impossible for her to know this, but Julia had just experienced one of the best days life had to offer, the day she had to choose between a scooter ride and a lemon lollipop.
Well, just as the swallows return to Capistrano, the Buzzards to Hinckley, and Pamela Anderson to Tommy Lee, I know it is time for me to start pecking away at my summer reading list when I find my daughter returning to her lollipop.
Here’s what’s on my list. Wish me luck:
Tony Bennett has made quite a splash, not to mention a serious second career as a painter. Other singers have fallen suit and publishers, eager to get a celebrity name on a volume, have churned out the following graphic-heavy coffee table books: The Complete Phone Pad Margin Doodles of Englebert Humperdinck, The Cocktail Napkin Scrawls of Sammy Davis, Jr., and Abstractions in the Key of Vitamin C: The Hankies of Joey Ramone.
Incense and Peppermints the Color of Fame: The Short Fame and the Wake Up Call To Reality by the Lead Singer of the Strawberry Alarm Clock. I still can’t recall the author’s name, and apparently the publishers forgot to put it on the book. Foreward by Dick Clark, including typos in special “blooper” editions.
Sew What! The Rebel’s Guide to Making Your Own Damned Clothes. The angry author’s personal appearance tour was halted after she jammed a hatpin into the shoulder of ardent autograph seeker Richard Simmons.
And I’ve Slept With All 2,000 of Them by Mary “Quilt” Chamberlain. A Mennonite woman tells the gentle story of her 66 years attending quilting bees.
No Floss, No Loss (Why The Dental Floss Industry Lies To You About Bad Things That Happen When You Don’t Floss.) A wake up call to all of us lemmings who blindly waste up to $8 annually on dental floss. From the editors of Cool-esterol: Hip Hype.
Chicken Soup for the Bulimic Soul: Heartwarming stories you’ll enjoy again and again.
“Hand Me My Beer Goggles, Bartender, I Believe My Date Just Came In For Last Call.” The early unpublished essays of the late country humorist Lewis Grizzard.
Talk To The Hand Studs Terkel’s oral history of the generation long dialogues between African-American receptionists and UPS truck drivers.
Painting With Cheese, a photographic look at folk art rendered by the under three crowd using as a medium the family kitchen table.
The REALLY Accidental Tourist: What To Do When You Get Off The Wrong Exit tells dozens of frightening, heart-skipping tales of sales representatives headed on calls to industrial warehouses in old urban neighborhoods. Some suffered palpitations as they were forced to drive past people sitting on stoops and walking on sidewalks. Stories originally appeared in Suburban Realtor magazine.
This edition of PAH! remembers Jack Lemmon, who never wasted a moment of my attention. No other actor has made me laugh out loud just thinking of his movie scenes.
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