by Mark Morelli
A man in Newark, New Jersey got a life sentence for robbing a Dunkin' Donuts clerk of $65 dollars and 2 Bavarian creme donuts with a toy gun. When sentenced, the man had no comment but did open his mouth and offer the jury a Pez.
In Charlotte, NC--a skydiving instructor has been ordered to pay $90,000 to a woman who accused him of groping her breasts as they floated to earth sharing a parachute. He had cried out, "Hey, I'm in the mile-high club, I mean the 3/4 mile high club, I mean the 1/2 mile high club...!"
The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee had petitioned Nickelodeon to stop airing offensive cartoons. Nickelodeon obliged--they had little alternative-get rid of the cartoons, or lose a hand.
Five teenagers in Weston, MA got caught using school computers to turn out counterfeit money. The money looked realistic enough, but the kids should've studied their history--they found that nobody would cash the Yasmine Bleeth five dollar bills.
Dr. Story Musgrave, who at age 61 was the oldest person to have gone into space, retired from NASA. On his last flight, the shuttle was given the honorary nickname, the Early Bird Special.
Times Square is really cleaning up its act, but most of the hotels in the area still require guests to pay their bill by leaving cash on the dresser.
The guy who wrote the rock song "Louie, Louie" died. I read in the newspaper that the song was written in the '50s about a guy named Louie... but the rest of the article was too blurry to read.
People in Bethel, NY--the original home of Woodstock--want to make a memorial to that great 1969 concert and the sixties in general. They came up with a great idea, combining this memorial with an infrastructure project. By next year they will unveil a new water tower made in the likeness of David Crosby.
Lenin's tomb on Red Square will be closed while his embalmed body gets it annual makeover. The makeover will be a little late this year because the embalmers are just finishing up some last minute touch ups on Michael Jackson.
In her new book, Mia Farrow discusses her marriage with Frank Sinatra. He was 49 and she was just 19. Normally, that may seem out of balance, but we're all forgetting about that iron-clad Rat Pack rule that your women couldn't be older than [1]´your scotch.
Since 1980 there has been a 42% increase in the birth of twins. The reason for this is that women are taking more fertility drugs, and of course, Anthony Quinn.
A satellite named The Hipparcos received data that suggests the universe may be bigger than had been thought. The Hipparcos has been renamed President Clinton's Belt.
And now a little something for all you Freudian presidential scholars: Before Bill Clinton put his birthplace, Hope, Arkansas, on the map, the quiet Arkansas town was known for the ripe round fruits of its annual Watermelon Festival.
The embalmed body of Soviet founder Vladimir Lenin could last for centuries. A scientist at the Institute for Biological Structures in Russia said, "We cannot let this great experiment of preserving the body end... at least until Lenin has voted in at least one Chicago election."
The body of Soviet founder Vladimir Lenin has lain in state in a government building since 1924. Running a close second is South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond.
President Clinton wants all schools to be hooked up to the Internet. This proposal is being praised by those who think the kids will have all that reading time waiting for a phone connection.
A woman is suing the Broadway show "Cats." One of the cast members tried to drag her onstage, and when she refused, the Cat "crouched down and started doing bumps and grinds" against her. The suit demands $12 million and that the actor be neutered.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York will promote Ocean Spray cranberry juice and become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers International. Fergie will also record an album and see just how many people will buy it before they realize she's not Bonnie Raitt.
Buck Owens is in the hospital, recovering from a bout of pneumonia. The "HeeHaw" star said he was also suffering from double vision, but doctors reassured him that it was just a visit from the Hager Twins.
A 46-year old Dutchman claimed his statue of Elvis had shed tears. Upon closer examination, it was discovered that the statue, located near the man's kitchen stove, had only been slobbering.
Shaquille O'Neal stars as a superhero in summer film, "Steel." In order to enhance American moviegoers viewing pleasure, the producers of the film have added subtitles.
"Parenting" magazine has reported that the hottest new video for parents of young children is the two-hour videotape, "How To Keep Your Children Occupied for Two Hours."
In his weekly radio address President Clinton said parents should start preparing their children for college as early as the sixth grade. Milton-Bradley responded by immediately issuing a new box game: "Junior Quarters."
Seventy of Europe's oldest citizens flew from the Netherlands to London Friday on a promotional trip for people who at least 100 years old. To celebrate this special occasion, the airline lifted its on-flight smoking ban.
Events surrounding the 20th anniversary of Elvis death brought $25 million into the Memphis economy. Five million of those dollars were generated by the sale of cheeseburgers to Elvis impersonators.
To give you an idea of how many fans attended the 20th anniversary of Elvis' death at Graceland: the U.S. government gave official minority status to all residents of Memphis without pork chop sideburns.
Environmentalists protesting fishermen who allow dolphins to get caught in their tuna nets have not made even one objection to the use of those same tuna nets to subdue Christian Slater.
After nearly 30 years as a composer of pop songs, Billy Joel announced he will now write only classical music. Such a big artistic change is hardly new. Just two years ago, Courtney Love demonstrated just how serious she was about her move from grunge music to acting by buying underwear.
A Chinese man who lost the power of speech 21 years ago when his first wife divorced him was able to speak in broken sentences again when he got married again recently. His new wife then interrupted and finished his story.
In an interview, President Clinton said if a movie were made of his life, he would cast Tom Hanks to portray him. That is unlikely to happen, however, since Hanks said he would never take a role requiring full frontal nudity.
The big news: Michael Bolton has cut his long hair. His agent said his hair now looks like George Clooney's, but added that his fans need not worry: he still sounds like two phlegmatic, hormonal basset hounds jousting in a saddle bag.
A recent study states that long hours spent cruising the 'Web' can lead to a condition called "Pathological Internet Use." Can you believe this? When I read that, I had to LOL.
Japanese scientists say that although there might not be much of a family resemblance, the whale, hippopotamus and cow share a common ancestor: Anthony Quinn.
One unexpected result of Louisiana's new "shoot-the-carjacker" law is that Louisiana has become the National Rifle Association's most highly recommended place to spend vacation.
Paramedics were called to the rehearsal site of the Fleetwood Mac reunion tour when members of the band were overcome by Stevie Nicks' pachouli.
President Clinton plans to visit India in 1998. He was surprised to learn that 1998 is the 50th anniversary of India's independence since his trip there was intended to kick his hamburger habit.
In Hollywood, an inebriated Christian Slater hunted down a bewildered Helen Slater and demanded a divorce.
President Clinton's big 51st birthday bash at the Martha's Vineyard home of Ted Danson and Mary Steenbergen included Jimmy Buffet, Carly Simon, and Merv Griffin. To create a minority presence, Ted Danson hosted the posh clambake in blackface.
Supermodel Elle MacPherson is due to have a baby in February. Elle and Swiss boyfriend Arpad Busson claim they don't care whether it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's leggy.
The former home of the Grateful Dead in San Francisco was auctioned. Fans attending the auction have already begun exchanging illegal tapes of the auctioneer.
A photographer mistakenly thought he was taking this picture of Oasis fans who'd lined up all night to buy the British band's third album. It turns out it was just the food line at the Anthony Quinn family dinner.
Former Mouseketeer Billie Jean Matay is suing Disney, saying her grandchildren were traumatized when Disney characters they believed were real took off their costumes. Immediately the children sued their grandmother for "Embarrassing the hell out of us."
Gary and Tealisa Downes, two Michigan parents who egged on their twins to fight and then videotaped it, were sentenced to five years' probation but offered jobs to produce a new reality-based video show on the Fox network.
In the former Soviet republic of Georgia, reporters have noted small children bringing in stacks of old newspapers that were ground up and made into hot dogs along with food coloring and mice. We applaud their efforts at recycling.
The American Association for Nude Recreation is holding its annual national convention in Texas. If you've heard anything about nudists, you'll know that this will put an end the myth that everything is bigger in the Lone Star state.
Jimmy Carter said that while president he received an incoherent phone call from a stoned Elvis Presley. Carter said he at first didn't believe it was Presley and had thought it was just his brother Billy.
